There is only one thing that keeps me from stepping out of my little boat and walking out to meet Jesus on the roaring waves, and that thing is a dream.
A dream of a single life with a little blue-gray house with black shutters and a red door that has a big fluffy dog wagging its tail in anticipation on the other side of it. I’ve tried to figure out every way possible of attaining my dream and so far have been blocked at every turn. I’ve even decided a few times to settle for an apartment and a cat rather than the dog, only to be displaced and living out of my backpack again typically through little or no fault of my own.
I have been homeless 5 times in my short life; living on couches, out of my truck, and even on the street. The one single thing that I want more than almost anything else is a home of my own, and it’s the one single desire that can keep me from following Christ. For the past two years I’ve lived a very comfortable and somewhat sedated lifestyle, holed up in my grandparent’s guest bedroom helping out around the house and grandma-sitting a few times a week so that grandpa can get out of the house for longer than five minutes. But for the past couple of weeks I’ve been eying my backpack with suspicion wondering how much longer it would be before I was living out of it again.
Two years is the longest that I’ve spent anywhere in my entire adult life and I’ve been having uneasy thoughts of scripture about the great men and women who gave up home and family for the cause of Christ. If I had a life to choose, it wouldn’t be that one. I love my family and even though my little 10x12 bedroom isn’t much it is comfortable… while living hand to mouth on the Lord’s dime (for me) is not.
You see I have this condition; it’s called “fatalus independintitus” otherwise known as fatal independence. It’s more common than you might think, you probably have it. It affects 95% of all Americans some of the symptoms include: inability to ask for assistance, extreme bouts of stubbornness, crankiness at not having ones own way, continuous need to overcompensate for a perceived shortcoming and the most common symptom the nagging need to always be first (also called bratiness).
My case seems a bit more extreme than some others though in that I have an inability to even ask the God of the Universe for what it is that I need, let alone want. As if Yahweh providing for me daily bread is a burden to Him, as if He would forget me. It’s a problem it really in all seriousness is a big problem. I have a lack of faith, and that lack stems from my dream. There’s a problem with my dream that wasn’t obvious to me until very recently, I can’t see Jesus anywhere in it. All I see is a house, a dog, a car, a phone, some pseudo friends and a blinding comfort. Where as in this other life, this other picture that I would not under any circumstances paint for myself has Jesus’ fingerprints all over it, He’s there and He’s waiting for me to get out of my boat.
So what now? What do you do when the Lover of your Soul asks you to give up the one thing that you want the most?
“And the word of the LORD came to me saying,
"Son of man, behold, I am about to take from you the desire of your eyes with a blow; but you shall not mourn and you shall not weep, and your tears shall not come.
"Groan silently; make no mourning for the dead Bind on your turban and put your shoes on your feet, and do not cover your mustache and do not eat the bread of men."
So I spoke to the people in the morning, and in the evening my wife died. And in the morning I did as I was commanded”
~Ezekiel 24:15-18
“He who loves father or mother more than Me is not worthy of Me; and he who loves son or daughter more than Me is not worthy of Me.
"And he who does not take his cross and follow after Me is not worthy of Me.”
~Matthew 10:37-38
we'll see what happens.
