Staying put while moving forward...

Sometimes I get extremely restless, during my restless periods I start looking at apartments in Alsaka and wondering how much it would cost if I wanted to move to New Zealand... the phase usually doesn't last very long and I usually get in these moods when it's raining or when I'm sick or bored with my life. For some reason I always lean towards major change, as if moving to Alaska would fix all the problems in my life and I could be really happy if only there were a moose in my front yard and everyone ended sentences with "Eh?"

I'm starting to understand that sudden major change isn't something that we as humans can handle easily or should be exposed to often, even if we want it. I'm starting to wonder why we want everything to change at once, maybe it's to get everything fixed in one swoop and avoid the painful process of self anylization and slow changes by making better choices day by day. Sometimes I guess that we all want the grass that is greener.

So often I look at my life and think "if only"...

If only I would have gone to college right after high school
If only I would have called him back
If only I would have stayed away from that crowd
If only I would have payed that bill on time
If only I would have gotten my oil changed sooner
If only I would have said I love you
If only I could lose that weight
If only I had the money
If only I hadn't lost my job

The If only's are everywhere and we all have them, they're a constant reminder in the back of our minds that life isn't what it could be if only.....

My current if only's are making me feel very restless, but my current circumstances aren't providing me with any way to make a sudden change and turn it all around at once. I have to stay in my one bedroom apartment, I have to keep sending out resumes and taking calls and interviews for jobs I don't really want, I have to pay as much as I can on those bills and I have to hope that things will get better soon.

For now and probably for a while I'll be going through that painful process of making better choices everyday and analyzing why I'm here and how I got here. So for now, all of those if only's don't matter.