On becoming a woman

For the past ten years I have been a Christian and for those ten years I feel as though I've lived in mediocrity. Not in the way of financial savvy or success, but as a woman. I grew up largely without a father, but I also grew up largely without a mother. The defining quality of my relationship with my parents is selfishness, I was never taught or talked too by them on any important issue of life or even of the unimportant ones.

I lived in a house where the television taught me how to behave and treat others, and since becoming a Christian ten years ago breaking out of the thought patterns of the world has been difficult to the point where I think I may have given up on it some time ago. My major defense for alot of this has been the "I'm just not that way" defense.

"I'm just not...gentle"

"I'm just not...feminine"

"I'm just not...kind"

"I'm just not...meek"

"I'm just not...peaceful"
 
"I'm just not...submissive"
 
"I'm just not...useful"
 
"I'm just not...quiet"


There have been years of this wrong thinking running through my life, because I am not naturally and haven't been nurtured to be submissive, kind or gentle to others especially men or other women who try to hurt me in any way. For years the Holy Spirit has been trying to tap this into my heart, for years He has been trying to show me what it means to be a Woman of God, bringing all that I am and all that I have under the authority of Gods word and the leadership of His Holy Spirit. Learning to be a woman after His heart and learning what my role is as a woman in a modern world where marriage for me isn't a promise. Living in this culture and living in such a radically different way, or learning to live in such a radically different way is so extraordinarily different and seems so extremely difficult.

So few people will understand that I am almost dreading some of the changes I feel the Lord leading me to make. Because of that dread I am praying for a partner, a woman who has been there or a women's group bible study with older women in the teaching roles. I have this whole hang up right now that doing this completely alone is impossible, and unbiblical. Learning to be a "true woman" isn't easy if there are no other "true women" in your life. I am aching for some fellowship and I don't trust the relationships I've recently let go of.

I've heard His voice, I've read His word and now there is no going back. Whatever it is that may come or may not I am now on this road and am pushing forward. I cannot see any step other than the one directly before me. All I have is His word, His voice and the faith He has given me to go on.


"Trust in the LORD with all your heart,

and do not lean on your own understanding.

In all your ways acknowledge him,

and he will make straight your paths."

Proverbs 3: 5-6