The view from the other side.

Over the past couple of weeks the Lord has been pulling me in closer to Himself it has been an amazing couple of weeks spiritually. He has shown me truths in His word, truths about myself and ways that I need to repent and changes that need to be made. Very recently He has shown me just how much wider the gap between this world and myself actually needs to be.

There is a common illustration used at least once in most evangelical pamphlets of a great chasm, with you on one side, and sin in the middle separating you from God who is on the opposite side. Then the cross of Jesus appears in the chasm and you are able to go over to the other side. Well I have crossed the bridge that Jesus built and am on the other side now and am exceedingly grateful for the access to God that Christ provided for me. The hard part is that there are quite a few people over here acting like they're still on the wrong side of the bridge. The Lord has been showing me here lately that in allot of ways I have been one of them.  Whether its in immodesty, pride, selfishness or even self loathing it's sin, and there are allot of people on this side of the gap teetering dangerously close to the chasm that once separated them from God.

Most of them through lack of devotion have ignored or pushed aside Gods word. If we are seeing as through a glass darkly then Gods word is our Windex and He has used it in me over the past few days to clear my view just a little more. He showed me that the ground beneath me was starting to crumble under the weight of an unrepentant heart, and that those burdens which He had meant for me to throw in the fire burning in that great chasm had somehow cleverly found their way onto my back again.  I've been gazing forlornly back over the chasm in the way a foolish child gazes at the swing sets when you're offering them disneyworld.

I know about my foolishness and have once again thrown aside the weights that hinder, and am running the race or at least figuring out how to move my feet. Sand is not easy to walk on, let alone run. The rock is there but my fondness for the things of this world have drug my feet down onto the shifting sands of doubt and distraction while my fingers cling desperately to the solid rock of Gods truth. Leaving the things of this world behind is a discipline, one that must be practiced daily if we are to win the race that as a Christian I am in. Whether it's the letting go of relationships, habits, entertainment or anything else contrary to Gods word it is something we must do if ever we are to make Christ believable to a sinful world.

At the time of my salvation I was given the occupation of a priest, and was called to be set apart for the Gospel of Christ, to be Holy as He is Holy and to preform all of the many splendid priestly duties given to  all of us who have been redeemed and are journeying the road to the Celestial City. In all reality it is an amazing call to be set apart as a member of a Holy Nation, but it's easy to lose focus on this side of the sun. Most especially in the culture of Crete.

Crete was an Island that Paul the apostle established a church in and left one of his sons in the faith Titus on. It was full of debauchery ... wait, maybe I should use plain english... it was full of drunkeness, sex outside of the Gods Holy confines of marriage, lust, gluttony, violence, disobedience, greed, jealousy, slanderers, gossips and liars (this is what it means when someone calls you a cretan).  Titus was living in a very hard place to be a Christian. The culture of America is allot like Crete, only bigger and with todays technology allot harder to get away from.

Sin is so glorified in this culture that turning on the television is dangerous now, only a couple days ago as I flipped through the channels I counted 5 times that I saw nude adults engaged in some sort of sexual activity. I flipped quickly away, but the damage had been done. Living as an American Christian can be so exceedingly difficult because sin is so celebrated, but God has called me to "come out from them and touch no unclean thing" 2 Corinthians 6:17 which is hard because the perversion is so thick even sometimes (sadly) within the church. So how do I get out of here? I have no clear idea at the moment, except to stop my ears like Christian did and run towards Gods promises yelling over the shouts of those who would beckon me back accross the chasm "Life, Life, Eternal Life!"

Thoughts on the Holy Spirit.

Typically when I find out that there is something living inside me I want to know as much about it as possible, yet somehow my interest in the Holy Spirit who lives within me has lied dormant for some years.

I know the He is in there, there are times when I pray that I can literally feel Him in my fingertips.  There are times when I'm meditating on a specific verse or thought that I can see His light radiating out of my own chest. It's amazing how the Spirit of God can indwell so many people and suffer no division, but rather unify us on a level that only He Himself can reveal to us.

When I pray He is the first to hear, and He translates what I cannot express and delivers the message to the Father. He is the one who is within me and gives me the only goodness that I have within me, He wills me to do good and gives me the ability to follow through with it. The ONLY sin that cannot be forgiven is blaspheming Him, the Holy Spirit. Both the Father and the Son will overlook their own blasphemy to protect the Spirit, it's astounding. (BTW if you're freaking out about this sin, you haven't done it.)

I carry a bit of God within my person. I AM A VESSEL and not only a vessel but a Temple, set apart for God's purposes. Whether honorable or not, I am sealed by Him the Holy Spirit. How often have I grieved Him? My heart turns at the thought of how deeply it must have hurt Him to go with me where I've gone, to watch what I've watched and to hear me utter the sinful words I have uttered, and worse are the thoughts, the thoughts that I have not captured but let run free to muck up all of His work at putting my mind in order. Oh the wretched woman that I am! Who will free me from this body of death? Praise be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord who has loosed my chains and has showed me what freedom is really like. Every suffering and every grief is nothing to be compared with the taste of that freedom that is yet to come. Just the taste of it. Bless God for the joy that I will have when it comes into its full time and I can see Him face to face as a man meets with his friend. I'll be swimming all up in that joy!

My Devotional this morning...beauty.

MORNING:

"Behold, I have graven thee upon the palms of my hands."

-- Isaiah 49:16

No doubt a part of the wonder which is concentrated in the word"Behold," is excited by the unbelieving lamentation of the precedingsentence. Zion said, "The Lord hath forsaken me, and my God hathforgotten me." How amazed the divine mind seems to be at this wickedunbelief! What can be more astounding than the unfounded doubts andfears of God's favoured people? The Lord's loving word of rebuke shouldmake us blush; he cries, "How can I have forgotten thee, when I havegraven thee upon the palms of my hands? How darest thou doubt myconstant remembrance, when the memorial is set upon my very flesh?" Ounbelief, how strange a marvel thou art! We know not which most towonder at, the faithfulness of God or the unbelief of his people. Hekeeps his promise a thousand times, and yet the next trial makes usdoubt him. He never faileth; he is never a dry well; he is never as asetting sun, a passing meteor, or a melting vapour; and yet we are ascontinually vexed with anxieties, molested with suspicions, anddisturbed with fears, as if our God were the mirage of the desert."Behold," is a word intended to excite admiration. Here, indeed, wehave a theme for marvelling. Heaven and earth may well be astonishedthat rebels should obtain so great a nearness to the heart of infinitelove as to be written upon the palms of his hands. "I have graventhee."It does not say, "Thy name." The name is there, but that is notall: "I have graven thee." See the fulness of this! I have graven thyperson, thine image, thy case, thy circumstances, thy sins, thy temptations, thy weaknesses, thy wants, thy works; I have graven thee,everything about thee, all that concerns thee; I have put theealtogether there. Wilt thou ever say again that thy God hath forsakenthee when he has graven thee upon his own palms?

 

 

The Art of Abandonment

"Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us,  fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God."

~Hebrews 12:1-2

The phrase "throwing off of everything that hinders" has a weight to it that I've only recently considered. I've been able to quote this verse for years, but it remains new and the Lord shows me new ways to live within it. By definition the throwing off of something that hinders means the abandoning of that thing. It isn't like throwing off only to pick it up again, in Greek it would mean to put something away and the intention was permanent. It's been on my mind lately because in the recent weeks trough God's grace and leading I have found this new devotion to the Lord, His work and His word that quite honestly I have never before experienced. With that increasing spiritual vitality the need to rid my life of “second things” the things that hinder my relationship with Christ is becoming an increasing conviction.

One of those “second things” is something that will surprise a lot of people, but it is something that for me can and has at times become a serious idol. Art. Out of all of the things that compete with my devotion and attention to God art is the thing that has a death grip. Most people I know, know me as an artist. Generally I'm introduced to someone as "This Amanda, she's an artist" which is true. I am an artist, and I'm good at it. However being an artist brings with it this strange dynamic between your life in art and your life in everything else. Being an artist and a Christian kind of turns things in all sorts of different directions and things can get really confusing really fast.

Serious artists have a tendency to abandon themselves to their work, everything becomes art and if anything interferes with art you abandon it. It's more than a passion, it's an obsession. Vincent Van Gogh was one of these people, he worked tirelessly for years on one painting after another, he abandoned his faith and was quoted as saying "you can live without God, but you cannot live without painting". He never sold a single painting in his lifetime, and he killed himself at age 36. Today he is the most renowned artist in the world, only after he is not around to experience or benefit from it. He gave everything to art; his money, his meals (he almost starved to death more than once) his sleep and every scrap of energy he had, and art gave him nothing back.  Art no matter how much starving artists everywhere wish to deny it is just a thing. It is not alive, it cannot give you any lasting meaning or purpose and one day this too will perish.

I am very much an artist, and it is a great blessing to me most of the time. The gift God gave me in art enables me to see things in ways that friends who aren't artists don't see them and I have this gift to be able to see beauty where beauty seldom comes. However left to its own devices it is also a source of pride, contention and a gateway for all sorts of sinful thoughts and attitudes. Because of my abilities as an artist I have noticed myself taking liberties that until recent weeks I have been unwilling to admit as being sinful and grievous to the Holy Spirit within me.

I am not by any means saying that I will never pick up a paint brush again, after all it was God who gave me the gift and the gift was meant to honor Him. In His holy hands Art is an amazing and beautiful thing, God is an artist if ever there was one. But I will not be pursuing art itself as a lifestyle, a definition of myself or a way to win the respect and love of others including Christ (which I have been guilty of doing). I am taking a serious break from it, until the Lord gives me the strength and humility to use it purely for His glory and His purposes. Someone once said to me that “as an artist you cannot be truly happy unless you are creating” I disagree, I am an artist but I am a Christian first. As a Christian I cannot be truly happy without abiding totally in Christ, abandoning everything for Him and His cause, and it doesn’t matter whether art is involved at all. 

There are several other “second things” that need some serious pruning or throwing off in my life including but not limited too certain relationships, entertainment, and even my furthering education. The Lord will help me to learn to run in a way so that I might win, but without the throwing off and abandoning of things that hinder I will be panting and out of breath long before I reach the finish line of this great race. Someone will inevitably chide me for this, but there is a general attitude among a good percent of the believers I know that we needn’t sacrifice anything for our faith. I’m starting to think that this is strictly an American idea, believers in other parts of the world sacrifice everything, including their freedom and even their lives for Christ and are far better Christians and have more joy in their lives than I and most other Christians I know.

Cutting the straps of the weights that hold me back isn’t something that I’ll be able to do overnight, alone or without the all of the grace and humility Christ can provide me, and I’ll probably wince at the sound of them rolling off my back and hitting the ground behind me, but in order to run truly free into eternal life it is something that must be done. The reward is worth the sacrifice thousands of times over. No matter what the sacrifice requires, even to my life.

“And everyone who has left houses or brothers or sisters or father or mother or wife or children or fields for my sake will receive a hundred times as much and will inherit eternal life”

~Matthew 19:29

On becoming a woman

For the past ten years I have been a Christian and for those ten years I feel as though I've lived in mediocrity. Not in the way of financial savvy or success, but as a woman. I grew up largely without a father, but I also grew up largely without a mother. The defining quality of my relationship with my parents is selfishness, I was never taught or talked too by them on any important issue of life or even of the unimportant ones.

I lived in a house where the television taught me how to behave and treat others, and since becoming a Christian ten years ago breaking out of the thought patterns of the world has been difficult to the point where I think I may have given up on it some time ago. My major defense for alot of this has been the "I'm just not that way" defense.

"I'm just not...gentle"

"I'm just not...feminine"

"I'm just not...kind"

"I'm just not...meek"

"I'm just not...peaceful"
 
"I'm just not...submissive"
 
"I'm just not...useful"
 
"I'm just not...quiet"


There have been years of this wrong thinking running through my life, because I am not naturally and haven't been nurtured to be submissive, kind or gentle to others especially men or other women who try to hurt me in any way. For years the Holy Spirit has been trying to tap this into my heart, for years He has been trying to show me what it means to be a Woman of God, bringing all that I am and all that I have under the authority of Gods word and the leadership of His Holy Spirit. Learning to be a woman after His heart and learning what my role is as a woman in a modern world where marriage for me isn't a promise. Living in this culture and living in such a radically different way, or learning to live in such a radically different way is so extraordinarily different and seems so extremely difficult.

So few people will understand that I am almost dreading some of the changes I feel the Lord leading me to make. Because of that dread I am praying for a partner, a woman who has been there or a women's group bible study with older women in the teaching roles. I have this whole hang up right now that doing this completely alone is impossible, and unbiblical. Learning to be a "true woman" isn't easy if there are no other "true women" in your life. I am aching for some fellowship and I don't trust the relationships I've recently let go of.

I've heard His voice, I've read His word and now there is no going back. Whatever it is that may come or may not I am now on this road and am pushing forward. I cannot see any step other than the one directly before me. All I have is His word, His voice and the faith He has given me to go on.


"Trust in the LORD with all your heart,

and do not lean on your own understanding.

In all your ways acknowledge him,

and he will make straight your paths."

Proverbs 3: 5-6

A dream.

I was walking on a narrow one lane road, with millions of others. The road I had left before was a wider road holding billions of others. While walking I noticed a gate and a man standing next to the gate. Looking through I saw an even narrower road, so narrow that you had to walk it single file.

I stopped and turned towards the gate, the man watching me waved for me to come to him. Walking over I said "I thought I was already on the narrow path, where does this one go?"

"This is the road of holiness" he said "without holiness no one will see the Lord"

"It looks really tight" I said.

"It's long too" he replied.

Looking over my shoulder I saw the faces of people I love, and who love me and wondered if I could go through without them or if I should turn back and ask them to come with me. "You first" the man said, "others may follow, or they may not. It isn't for you to decide, the Lord will look after them. You need to go first."

Noticing my anxiety over the separation and going in alone he said "Why are you worried? The Lord will guide this path for you, there are others on it too. It will be hard at first, but without going on what hope do you have?"

"None I guess" I replied

"Then go" he said

Looking down the path again I saw others far ahead of me and the image of a cross in the road, or maybe a man with his arms outstretched... reaching my hand to the gate I took one last look over my shoulder, looked back and touched it. It opened at my touch. "Don't forget this" the man said, handing me my Bible "Read it till you remember all it says" he said and closed the gate behind me and continued his watch on the road.

I looked ahead of me, grasped my bible to my chest and walked onward. Not far onto the path I heard the voices of people singing, laughing and playing music. It was a comfort to me. "Keep going" I heard a voice on the other side of the hedge say "It's a long path, remember the word of the Lord to keep it."

"Who are you?" I asked

"David the King" he said.

Stopping in my astonishment I looked at the hedge

"Keep going! Don't stop along the way, we'll see you when you get here." he said.

Suddenly I heard the voices of millions say "Keep going! We are the witnesses of your way, turn not to the right or left, we are awaiting your arrival. Remember the word of the Lord to keep it always. Do not let His words fall to the ground, He will be with you in your journey, you are never alone."

I looked down at my word and flipped to Psalm 46, looking up I saw the path was level all the way until I closed my Bible, then it became more precarious. Opening it again it leveled back out, looking on my Bible I began my walk. Walking straight between the hedge, a light going before me on each step. I still heard their voices singing and praising Him who they saw, I read and walked and not one step faltered.

Good Dirt.

Here recently the Parable that Jesus taught of the sower has been coming up a lot in my life. About every day for the past week I’ve heard or read that parable, and today during service at CLC it came up again and again during a guided study I started about strengthening your grip on God’s word. So I think that it’s time to pay attention.


I enjoy gardening, and I have some limited knowledge about the process. As far as I can tell the most important part of a garden is the dirt. Without good dirt, it’s almost impossible to grow a good crop of anything.

The first part of Jesus’ parable is as follows:

“Behold the sower went out to sow; and as he sowed, some seeds fell along the road and the birds came and ate them up.”

The road is not a good place to sow seeds…okay. The dirt of a footpath is trampled down and tightly packed; birds go there to look for food that we humans may drop, the seeds never had a chance.

He continues:

“Others on rocky places, where they did not have much soil; and immediately they sprang up, because they had no depth of soil. But when the sun had risen, they were scorched because they had no depth of soil.”

As a small time gardener I know that whenever I’m rooting around in the soil of the garden that it is necessary to remove the rocks from the soil, when a garden first starts it is easy to spend hours or even days removing rocks from the soil of a garden. The good thing about this kind of soil is that with time and effort and some digging down and rooting around it is possible to make it into good soil.

“Others fell among the thorns and the thorns grew up with the plants and choked them out”

This is probably the most dangerous kind of soil; it isn’t always obvious that there are thorns and weeds in the soil. It isn’t always obvious to us what it is that we may have hidden in our hearts choking out the word of God, neutralizing it before it has the opportunity to grow and yield fruit in our lives. The cares of this world and the deceitfulness of riches are so bad because they are so deceitful. Our enemy above all else wants to make us comfortable, and give us all we could ever wish for. Unlike our father he will say yes to all our whims. He will give us all the material wealth we could ever hope for, if only we would worship him. A pampered American Christian is an ineffective one, it may not be pretty but it’s true. Extreme excess puts blinders on us, we are less receptive and less aware of the needs of others and the still small voice of God.

Lastly there is hope:

“And others fell on the good soil and yielded a crop, some a hundredfold, some sixty, and some thirty.”

This is where we want to be, this is where we all need to get to. Good soil rarely just happens, it takes work and time. The gardener needs to till the soil, add some fertilizer and dig up any bad roots or rocks that might harm His crop. Enter suffering. It isn’t pleasant but it is absolutely necessary. When God starts digging around in our business it can start to hurt, especially when he starts pulling up those old roots that maybe we don’t love but have been with us for so long that we’ve learned to live with them. He’ll pull out those hard cold stones and give us a heart of flesh, one that feels one that is more acutely aware of the suffering and needs of others than it was before.

If God’s word is to have any lasting effect on us, we must allow Him to till the soil of our hearts. To make it dark and rich so that His word can penetrate deeply into our lives and withstand the temptations and trials of this present age. When our hearts are more receptive, we are more effective, more usable we can hear His voice and recognize it easier than before.

I know that soon and probably today the Lord will start to reveal some old roots and cold stones that are still lodged in my heart, and I will probably feel Him start to tug at them and dig around them in order to pull them out. It is probably going to be slow and most likely a little painful, but good soil rarely just happens.

The Hope of Singleness

There are times when I read scripture and my heart is discouraged, usually when I read scripture dealing with the issues of women, but not for reasons of burden. I have a pretty clear understanding that marriage just isn’t in the works for me, and when it comes to women almost all of scripture towards women is written in the context of marriage and family life.


In that culture it was assumed that a woman would marry the whole of Proverbs 31 is dedicated to the good wife, not woman, wife. It can apply generally to single women, but most specifically it applies to the wife. I’ve read books on the proverbs 31 woman and have put them down half way through because the entire book is written for the married woman. The authors usually in the goodness of their intentions make an effort a few times in each chapter to tell any single woman reading this book not to be discouraged, that someday the Lord will provide a husband even for you! At which point I usually cringe, shake my head and throw the book in the trash.

I have no husband to serve, no children to tend and no maid servants to delegate tasks to, and that is okay.

In my twilight 20’s I am facing the very real possibility of living the rest of my life single. That is okay.

It has been ten years since I have been on a date or asked out on a date, and that is okay too.

There is a temptation to look at that last sentence and think “no one wants me” or for the reader to look at that last comment and think “you poor lonely thing you” but it’s all lies I tell you. LIES!!! There is someone who wants me and who is a friend who sticks closer than a brother. He said that He would be with me always, even until the end of the world. I can go nowhere away from His presence and His love is better than wine.

Earlier this week I bought a New Testament on cassette to listen to in the car when I drive, I just started Luke after going through Matthew and Mark over the past few days. Today while listening to Luke I heard something that made me stop and rewind the tape, this is what I heard.

36And there was a prophetess, Anna, the daughter of Phanuel, of the tribe of Asher. She was advanced in years, having lived with her husband seven years from when she was a virgin, 37and then as a widow until she was eighty-four. She did not depart from the temple, worshiping with fasting and prayer night and day. 38And coming up at that very hour she began to give thanks to God and to speak of him to all who were waiting for the redemption of Jerusalem.


~ Luke 2: 36-38

Anna may have been between 13 or 15 when she was given in marriage, which means that she lived possible 69 years as a widow, in the temple worshipping and serving the Lord. The only time she is mentioned in scripture is in this verse. Did she bare children and raise them before going in service to the Lord? It isn’t known, all we know is that she lived 69 years, maybe more as a widow who had dedicated her life to the Lord in fasting and prayer. He honored her at the end of her long life with the infant cries of Jesus the Savior of her soul.



I love my married friends and the Lord has taught me and is still teaching me to rejoice with those who rejoice, and weep with those who weep. There are certain things in life that I may never learn because of my singleness, and most of them I don’t want to. I have met some women so happily married or engaged and yet so socially inept that they insult me for my single state of life. Then I’ve met women who insult me purposefully because married life seems to them as some sort of hierarchy status. Overall I’ve learned that although marriage may be wonderful and pleasant some of the time, it comes with its own set of burdens that most newly-weds are not prepared to deal with. Most of the time it is a trial, a compromise and I do not doubt a humbling journey.

I personally think that I have the better hand. There is no one else for me to greet in the mornings other than my God. There is no one else for me to curl up next too than my sweet and loving Lord who blesses me with his unconditional and never failing love. I have the luxury of spending all day in my room with the Word and seeking the Lords face in prayer. It is a luxury and a privilege to be in service to only Him. Only Jesus.

Anna never had to depart from the temple; she never had to lose her focus on the Lord. Neither do I. I have no husband to take my attention away from serving the Lord, and that is a blessing to me. One day the Lord may look at my life and say I should marry, but it isn’t something I’m looking for or forward too. Whatever He wills will come in His time and to His purposes. For now I am more than pleased to learn to live like Anna lived, and cherish all of my time with the lover of my soul.

Holy Roller

I've been thinking alot about doctrine here lately...1 Timothy 4:16 says " Watch your life and doctrine closely. Persevere in them, because if you do you will save both yourself and your hearers."

I hear the words "it doesn't really matter" a lot in my christian circles when it comes to things in scripture, and I'm wondering if that general attitude is coming from genuine apathy or is coming from fear. If I were to take scripture at face value, and really do what scripture says Gods children will do then quite honestly I would be living much differently than I do at present. I've been wondering, why haven't I made that all or nothing effort in living by the book. Jesus said that His commands are not burdensome, so thats no excuse.

The core doctrine of Scripture centers on love, love for God and love for others. (Matt. 22:37-39) Everything else revolves around that, every last bit of scripture and every last bit of command is based on love. So when I read the words of Peter and Paul in regards to the issues of women, involving modesty and roles in the church and later discuss those same commands with believing friends who say to me that "it really doesn't matter" I have a hard time there.

Do I think that women should teach in the church... yes, but they should teach only other women. Is that hard? Of course, it's part of the curse. Does it really matter, it absolutely does. God gave us that word out of love for us, not to burden us but so that we can fulfill our true purpose in Christ which is not to take authority over men. Do I think Christian women should dress and behave in a modest way, yes I do, although I'm still trying to figure out what that looks like for my own life. Does it need to involve long skirts and long hair, at least for me? I'm not sure yet, but it does need to involve an acute amount of self awareness in the way we present ourselves to the world. Again it absolutely matters, how many men have fallen because of the floozy in the front row at church? Too many marriages and families and whole congregations for that matter have fallen apart because of man burglars taking what isn't theirs to take. Even if it wasn't entirely intentional to begin with.

There are so many details to the Christian life and they all center on love, how can I then realizing that take any one portion of His word with a grain of salt? It is all so extremely valuable and it is all meant for my good. All of it matters. There are core issues that must come first and the details follow after, but the details matter too. Keeping Gods word with extreme effort is not legalism unless done without love for God and love for others. How radically different would life be if I practiced that? I think I'll try it and find out, praying for Gods grace and wisdom.

~Amanda

Strange Child...

     I was thinking today on the first time I remember having an inclination to art. I was six or seven, living in a trailer park with my family, I remember sitting in our yard next to the sidewalk in front of an old milk crate making these masks. I had a few rolls of aluminum foil, a coffee can of random objects like buttons, pennies, thimbles, nuts and beads a jar of glitter and a few bottles of glue. Making the masks with all of my little objects and selling them for a few pennies to people who passed by.

     It was ridiculous really, thinking about it now but I was planning to get rich selling my masks. I was so confident in my ability I actually ran away from home that same day. My mother, step-dad and siblings had all gotten in the car and left for what I thought was for good. I took my jar of pennies, a couple dollars I think and walked away from my business, planning to make my way to Kentucky. On my way I decided to stop and acquire some provisions which from what I remember was a brown paper sack of green beans and an Ice Cream cone. Somehow I’d lost my shoes during my journey and wrapped a shirt around my feet to go into McDonalds for my ice cream. Dumping my jar of pennies onto the counter I sorted through the buttons and screws trying to remember how to count change and the teenager behind the counter decided that my Ice Cream should be free. I sat down at a booth making sure to keep my feet covered, I was afraid they’d kick me out because I wasn’t wearing shoes, and ate my Ice Cream, while counting my pennies to avoid further embarrassments. Taking stock of my supplies, my dirty old foot shirt, some supplies to make more masks, a can of pennies and my sack of green beans I felt confident of my ability to make it to Kentucky and set out again, walking by the Riverside Police station on my way.

     I crossed a busy street, walked up the on ramp to route 4 and was quickly apprehended by a Police officer. He knelt down in front of me and picked me up asking me just where I thought I was going, I told him the zoo, so that my parents wouldn’t get in trouble for leaving me and going to Kentucky (they actually went to the grocery store) He put me in his car, gave me some crackers or cookies or something just in time to see a hysterical woman running up the on ramp (my Mother) following leads from people who had seen a dark skinned little girl with a can of pennies making her way to Kentucky. He asked her if she’d lost a little girl and she ran faster, saw me in the car and I really think she almost fainted. I’ll remember that spanking for the rest of my life, but I deserved it.

    Later that day my grandmother put me in the bath to sooth my bleeding legs and took all my art supplies away. Art was dangerous for me at that point, and they weren’t going to let me keep doing it since it had already caused so much trouble. I didn’t actually know what art was, but I knew that I liked it, that it was dangerous and that it scared my family to death.

and so it began.

On my way to Chicago

A few weeks ago I spent the weekend in one of the greatest cities in the world Chicago. While I was there I decided that during the spring and summer of 2011; I’m going to be staying in Chicago; working as a volunteer with an outreach on the north side of the city. Explaining this choice to my family is incredibly difficult not because the benefits are hard to find, but because I would be the only member of our family to go so far from home. I have multiple reasons for making this decision, none of them I’ve taken lightly. The amount of opportunity as an artist alone is enough to make me want to pack my bags and leave tonight, but there are other reasons, some of them obvious, others not so much. I as a person, an artist and a Christian looking to live in the way Jesus said to, am a much better match for a city like Chicago than I ever will be for Dayton.

As an artist walking the streets of Chicago is an experience to be cherished. The architecture, open studios, art galleries and street artists provide more creative stimulus for me in one hour than the art scene of Dayton provides in a month. Art in Chicago is everywhere, artists are everywhere and though the competition in a city the size of Chicago is fierce, the average artist cannot deny a heart that pants after such a creative lifestyle as Chicago can offer. The city is to me as an artist what a sunset is to a man who can see for the first time. A thing of awe and beauty that reminds me I’m alive and of what I was put here to do.

As a 30 year old woman, there are few places in the United States that can offer such hope for a new start as the city of Chicago can. I’ll be going to Chicago right around the time of my 30th birthday starting a new decade in a new city forming a new life. I’ve lived here in Dayton my entire life, I was born at Miami Valley, raised in the city and so far I’ve been content. Somehow though the thought of turning 30 has shaken me from my sedated comfort and made me look at life in a different way. Have I stayed in Dayton for 29 years because I’ve really wanted too, or because I’ve been afraid to take a chance? That question is jolting, but one that most of humanity will ask themselves in one form or another. This introspection has revealed a numb contentment in my life that I had been able to write off for years as the American way.

We live in a blinding comfort and like rats in a maze, we take the path well trodden knowing that even if it’s dull, numbing and lifeless it’s safe. The days turn into weeks, the weeks turn into years and we sit up at night wondering where our lives have gone. I personally don’t plan on living this way, at least, not any longer. That now or never urgency has crept into my mind leaving its mark on the backs of my eyelids. I would rather have a single season of voyage and risk creating unforgettable memories, than years of dreary existence living vicariously through the television set.

As a Christian Chicago is a city full of broken hearts. Millions of them, in a city as fast paced and quick tempered as Chicago is known to be the number of broken and lonely people seems almost uncountable. The old, the poor, the wretched and the depressed are found everywhere in all walks of life. These are the people, the kind of people that Jesus spent his time with, the poor pitiful souls doing just what they can to survive another day. Dayton has no shortage of people like these, though living among them for so long I’ve found myself growing apathetic to the plights of these people. Seeing the same faces and hearing the same stories for years on end inevitably has that affect on a person, but the life purpose of a Christian is to serve and love. There are times when a change is necessary just to continue, serving as a reminder that all the hurt and lost have not been found, all the blind don’t yet see and that the harvest is still plentiful. “The poor have suffered enough” is what the sign post in front of the ministry center I’ll be staying at reads. The poor have suffered enough.

In summary as an artist, a 30 year old woman, and a Christian Chicago is my city. My family will learn to accept my choice, even though they won’t understand at first. Keeping oneself locked into the same old patterns and expecting different results is a foolish way to live one’s life. I’m counting the weeks until I leave in March and feeling the change begin like water swirling around my feet, and learning to embrace the waves that will soon carry me away. A quote from my favorite movie states my feeling more clearly than I can explain, so that’s how I’ll end.

“I find that I’m so excited I can barely sit still or hold a thought in my head. I think it’s the excitement that only a free man can feel, a free man at the start of a long journey whose conclusion is uncertain.” ~Ellis Redding, The Shawshank Redemption.

Blessed Revolution

Sitting in the drive way watching the fireworks, I began to “get” the significance of this Holiday. I began picturing the faces and the families of the Revolutionary Soldiers who gave everything for freedom. I realized that they didn’t have to do it, it would have been just as easy to continue under their oppression as it would have been to fight a long war and experience suffering that we, their descendants, can’t even imagine.


Today in the digital age we’re worlds apart from the world the fought in, we have freedom in so many ways that they never thought possible. Education, healthcare, religion. We can speak what we choose and go where we will all men are created equal in this world that they fought to build. All men have been given the rights to health and happiness and there are days when the biggest choice we need to make is how to spend them. How blessed are we that those men decided to fight, to die. For our, theirs and our children’s freedom.

May we always remember their gift to us, and thank God for their bravery.

The Valley of Vision

Lord, high and holy, meek and lowly,
Thou hast brought me to the valley of vision,
where I live in the depths but see Thee in the heights;
hemmed in by mountains of sin I behold Thy glory.

Let me learn by paradox that the way down is the way up,
that to be low is to be high,
that the broken heart is the healed heart,
that the contrite spirit is the rejoicing spirit,
that the repenting soul is the victorious soul,
that to have nothing is to possess all,
that to bear the cross is to wear the crown,
that to give is to receive,
that the valley is the place of vision.

Lord, in the daytime stars can be seen from deepest wells,
and the deeper the wells the brighter Thy stars shine; let me find

Thy light in my darkness,
Thy life in my death,
Thy joy in my sorrow,
Thy grace in my sin,
Thy riches in my poverty,
Thy glory in my valley.


A Puritan Prayer a freind gave me a couple years ago.

An eternal weight...

When I was a Child I was raised in a home where discipline was almost always physical, there was no such thing as grounding or restriction of privileges at my house. When we as children acted out we were told to go pick out a switch... there was more than one time that I remember the punishment being taken to far on myself or one of my siblings, being hit with a switch to the point of bleeding is a memory hard to erase.

Recently I've met some children who are punished physically as well, and in the short time I've known them I've been appalled at the extremity with which they are spanked, and spoken down to... I am not a parent and though I don't look entirely down on the practice of spanking children, and view it as necessary at times I fully believe that it should be the last resort, there are other ways to discipline your child. It makes me thankful for Gods restraint and patience. Whenever I act out as God's child there are very real consequences to my disobedience, whether it's financial trouble, parking tickets, relationship strain or what have you, the consequences are there and can be excruciating to bear.

The main difference between the disciplinary actions of our human parents and God is that God never takes things to far, he knows when to restrain himself. He knows exactly how much we can take and exactly how much we need in order to realize the foolish sinfulness of our actions and turn back to Him.

I feel I should clarify a point here.

You are made in God's image, but that doesn't mean you are His Child.

Unless you have been given the right through belief in Christ to be His child, you are not.

You are His creation. Which is a honor, but there is no inheritance for you.

You're thinking I'm narrow minded, and you're probably right. But let me explain. Belief in God is good... "You believe there is one God, good! Even the demons believe so and they shudder." ... But in which God do you believe?

Do you believe in the god of no consequences, where everyone gets a pass into heaven regardless of their decision or lifestyle? The god where nothing you do really matters as long as your "basically a good person" where sin does not affect your eternal security?

That is no god.

Do you believe in the god of wrath, and angry old man with a blow torch ready to fry anyone who steps foot out of line, the prejudiced god who accepts only those who look a certain way or attain a certain lifestyle such as A man must have a wife and 2.5 kids who are in constant submission to his authority and if they step out of line he has free reign to beat them if he wants too, the male chauvinist god.

That is no god either.

Do you believe in the god of tradition? Nothing may ever change, we must continue to read our bibles in English spoken in 1611 grow our hair to our ankles, sing songs from dusty old books and remind the world that god loves only us, he hates the rest.

While tradition can be a good thing, scripture makes clear that "God is love" and that "God never changes" so forgive me, but if you're from the tradition where god hates the all the people of the world that are any different from you, you are very wrong.

God is a God of justice, sin must be punished and He cannot be in the presence of sin, which means that until your sins are forgiven, he cannot be around you. God is a God of love, and Jesus is the fruit of that love. Sending His only Son to die for the sins of His creation so that we may become His children through the atoning sacrifice of Christ.

If you don't believe and put your trust in Jesus, then you don't know God. You are not His child. And as of right now you remain condemned.

You are not a Christian because you're white.

You are not a Christian because your grandma went to church.

You are not a Christian because you have a bible on your coffee table.

You are not a Christian because you go to church every Sunday.

If you are a Christian it is because you have put your hope fully on Christ. You have made Him the master and keeper of your life. You have ACCEPTED His forgiveness and His grace. And you are in the process of being changed into His likeness.

How can you tell if this is you?

Search your heart, and your mind what do you find there regarding Christ?
Check your fruits... look at your life and evaluate it from before you put your hope in Christ till now, do you see any change, even the smallest change?

Do you have a relationship with God? In the Old Testament Moses would go into the tent of meeting to receive instruction from God, he did this daily. When he entered the tent a cloud would descend over the entrance and there God would speak to Moses as a man speaks to his friend, Moses knew God intimately but through Christ, we can know God even better than Moses did. We as Children of God can come boldly before Him without need of shame.

Key signs of a relationship with God:

*Prayer, do you talk to Him and let Him talk to you?
*Scripture, one of the main ways God speaks to us is through His word, His word is our spiritual lifeline, through it He teaches us how to live a godly life a life that honors Him.
*Community, are you in relationship with other believers? Community is vital to the health of a believer, through communing with other Christians we receive encouragement and accountability towards our responsibility for our spiritual growth.
*Growth, are you growing in your walk with Christ or are you " a cabbage waiting for eternity" we are told by the Apostle Peter to make our calling and election sure by adding onto our faith certain virtues that are in reality supports our faith foundation, and that if we do this we will never fall. 2 Peter 1: 4-10

All of this may seems overwhelming at the moment, but think. These questions have eternal consequences. Eternal punishments or eternal rewards. Jesus did not come to save us so the we could all go to Heaven, He came to save us so that we could be with and near Him, so that we could know God as we are fully known. Heaven is going to be amazing but if God were not there it would be Hell, the definition of Hell is eternal separation from God.

My parents disciplined me in the best way they knew how, and I respect them for it. None of it was meant for my harm, but for my good. No parent takes pleasure in hurting their Child and if they do then they are no parent. God did not enjoy seeing His Son die the most excruciating death imaginable, with His likeness marred beyond the likeness of a man. But He let it happen because it would gain for us an eternal weight of glory, an ability to see God face to face because God knows that the best thing for us is Himself.

A Heartfelt prayer...

Psalm 51 (New International Version)
Psalm 51
For the director of music. A psalm of David. When the prophet Nathan came to him after David had committed adultery with Bathsheba.

1 Have mercy on me, O God,

according to your unfailing love;

according to your great compassion

blot out my transgressions.

2 Wash away all my iniquity

and cleanse me from my sin.

3 For I know my transgressions,

and my sin is always before me.

4 Against you, you only, have I sinned

and done what is evil in your sight,

so that you are proved right when you speak

and justified when you judge.

5 Surely I was sinful at birth,

sinful from the time my mother conceived me.

6 Surely you desire truth in the inner parts ;

you teach me wisdom in the inmost place.

7 Cleanse me with hyssop, and I will be clean;

wash me, and I will be whiter than snow.

8 Let me hear joy and gladness;

let the bones you have crushed rejoice.

9 Hide your face from my sins

and blot out all my iniquity.

10 Create in me a pure heart, O God,

and renew a steadfast spirit within me.

11 Do not cast me from your presence

or take your Holy Spirit from me.

12 Restore to me the joy of your salvation

and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me.

13 Then I will teach transgressors your ways,

and sinners will turn back to you.

14 Save me from bloodguilt, O God,

the God who saves me,

and my tongue will sing of your righteousness.

15 O Lord, open my lips,

and my mouth will declare your praise.

16 You do not delight in sacrifice, or I would bring it;

you do not take pleasure in burnt offerings.

17 The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit;

a broken and contrite heart,

O God, you will not despise.

18 In your good pleasure make Zion prosper;

build up the walls of Jerusalem.

19 Then there will be righteous sacrifices,

whole burnt offerings to delight you;

then bulls will be offered on your altar.

There is rarely a day when this prayer of David does not cross my mind, but sticks more clearly when it snows... cleanse me and I will be whiter than snow... seems impossible, but we have the assurance that with God all things are possible.

True Valentine

Up until a couple years ago Valentines Day was for me a dreaded occurrence, as yet another year passed me by without a card or sonnet, a bunch of roses or box of chocolates I would begin to feel this swell in my throat and a sting behind my eyes of self pity. Last year was the first time I remember not noticing the dreaded day at all, maybe I had other things on my mind and simply forgot or maybe it was something else. Today it happened again, a friend mentioned the big holiday weekend and I thought "holiday weekend... do people actually celebrate presidents day?"

As I looked around at work and noticed all of the pink hearts and cute little teddy bears with phrases like kiss me or be mine and so on and remembered that today is Valentines Day, the formidable holiday emphasized by greeting card companies and western society in order to make single people feel like crap. Though oddly and to my surprise, I didn't. What had happened? Had I grown so very cynical in affairs of the heart that I had simply erased the day from my memory? Looking at my book collection of great romances like Pride and Prejudice, Emma and Little Dorrit I know that isn't the case. I'm still a sucker for a good romance, and every time I stand in a church to see my friend who is now a bride I can't help but pull out those hidden tissues and hope my mascara doesn't smear.

Giving it much thought I realized the answer to my lack of that familiar longing, I'm satisfied.

Wondering at those words I thought some more, and realized not just that I'm satisfied, but that any man I met now would be... a disappointment. I know many men who are very good men, some of the best men any one could ever want to know, so this is not a men bashing session. I love my brothers, but I can't seem to find my way past this one point. They are not Christ.

The more I know Christ, the less I desire anyone but Him. All men pale in comparison to Him. No man could ever satisfy me as deeply and richly as Christ does. Love is not merely physical, or emotional. Love based on those two points is a poorly made forgery, a cheap copy of the original, like the play money bought at the dollar stores, no reasonable person would accept as being of any true lasting value. Emotions change rapidly, and so do hormones. Christ's love goes deeper, He probes the inner reaches of my heart and mind, He reveals to me my hidden self. Things buried so deep that I fail to recognize them. He is more than a good man, He is the only good. "No one is good but God alone" There has never been a romance written by men that comes within a stones throw of the romance God has written for His people. He loved us so much that in order to bridge the gap between us, He became like US. Just think, the Holy God of Heaven, who could not come close enough to us because of our sin put on Human flesh, Human weakness, learned to walk as we do, learned to talk as we do, felt pain as we do, just to be near us. "How great is the love that the Father has lavished on us, that WE should be called Children of God. And that is what we are."

Like with all great romances, the end usually depends on the intendeds response to the whisper of "I love you." I am thankful now maybe more than ever before, that Christ brought me to that point to reply to His invitation "I love you too"

What is your response? In order for Gods love to be lavished upon you, you must respond to His call and accept it for what it is. Know that God pursued those He made in His image, who hid themselves from Him as far as putting on, taking our weakness onto Himself, and when that wasn't entirely enough He also took our suffering, all great lovers would die for their bride, and Christ did. But no lover has been able to do what Christ has done, loving with such all encompassing passion that He fought off the power of death and defeated it. Raising from the dead to seal the fates of millions of His beloved, that we will never be separated from Him again, "nothing can separate us from the love of Christ"

It's no wonder that I'm satisfied, no one besides Him could love me that deeply.

Or you for that matter.

A time to Change

There comes a point in everyones life when they realize that things cannot continue as they are, for most people this happens many times, but ecspecially for the Christian. Today I came to one of those points.

I realize exactly the kind of Life that Christ has called me to, and if I'm ever going to have any chance of actually living it out change must come. Since the day I said "I do" to Christ life has changed for me in ways that I never imagined it would, magnificient, miraculous changes. When I tell someone my story 4 out of 10 times they cry, all because of the change that Christ has made in my life. Though the change can be painful, and discomforting it has always been good, He has always used it to bring me closer to Himself.

Today I realized another change is coming, one that will take me acting in obedience to His word and making a "radical" decision.

As of today I'm beginning a shopping fast... for one year.

I understand the impact that this change will have on my daily life, everytime I want something I grab my keys, get in my truck and go get it. No discipline required. For the next year that won't be an option. For the next year I believe that Christ will show me the extent of His provision, and that the full extent of what He wants to teach me I haven't even began to grasp.

So for the next year, you will not see me in a mall, thrift store, or outside the grocery section of any supermarket.

The Lord will is able to abundantly supply your every need....

It's time to trust Him to do so.

Learning to walk...

Right now I'm in this place where I've started to walk, and like any other toddling child I'm prepared for falling down. At the beginning of this year I made the decision to treat it the same as I've treated every other year of my Christian life, grab a bible reading plan and start checking off chapters and books and that this year I WOULD make it all the way through Leviticus!


A few days ago I slowed down the pace enough to actually listen to what God was saying to me, and that was that this year I needed to learn how to walk. Adding one step to another until I can cross this room. The Apostle Peter wrote a list of vast importance, its a list of supports for basic faith.

His divine power has granted to us all things that pertain to life and godliness, through the knowledge of him who called us to his own glory and excellence, by which he has granted to us his precious and very great promises, so that through them you may become partakers of the divine nature, having escaped from the corruption that is in the world because of sinful desire. For this very reason, make every effort to supplement your faith with virtue, and virtue with knowledge, and knowledge with self-control, and self-control with steadfastness, and steadfastness with godliness, and godliness with brotherly affection, and brotherly affection with love. For if these qualities are yours and are increasing, they keep you from being ineffective or unfruitful in the knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ. For whoever lacks these qualities is so nearsighted that he is blind, having forgotten that he was cleansed from his former sins. Therefore, brothers, be all the more diligent to make your calling and election sure, for if you practice these qualities you will never fall

2 Peter 1:3-10

Just as Children depend on their parents to hold them up while they take their first steps, so God holds us up as we learn how to walk in His ways, starting with faith that He is and will help us. He'll bring us to a point of Moral Virtue and teaches us to walk the steps of righteousness, and the longer we let Him hold us the less desire we have to turn back to our former ways when we were dead in our sins. Eventually we'll come to the paths of Knowledge and He still holds our hand to keep that knowledge from being polluted.

I've just begun to learn how to walk these first steps, and over the next year I hope to continue on holding my Fathers hands as He walks with me and catches my faltering steps to correct my footing. This is where real life begins, the frothy superficiality is bound to end, as deep calls out to deep so the spiritual disciplines call out to the Christian soul beckoning us to come and leave the childlike things behind to taste real meat.